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@ <$BLOGDATEHEADER$>

Can't really explain this feeling .
This feeling is like a messed up remedy .
As if that tomorrow will never come,
It's like no matter how much i did
how long i wait is nothing but my own mistake .

I hope that you could tell me how you feel ,
please , let him go ..
let me into your heart.
I'm pleading outside this heavy chained door .
but you , disregard my feelings .
you , toss my heart , smash it , rip it apart .
yet you have this enjoyment in doing this .
I have lost , thoroughly.
I am glad you were there for me during the lonely period of time .
I was willing to do everything for .
Was , if that's the case .
Let it drown .
Let be drunk by the water I'm drinking .
Let's not be sober .
Under moonlight , let me release this feeling i had never shown.


It's been one month since i have work in sing siong !
HURRAY (there's nothing much to be happy though )
Lol , the beef store auntie kept on nag about me being late .
oh well ... it's difficult to wake up in a perfect weather =x.
It's like very very very difficult for me .
This lan jie =.=
Is a real detestable person
She's more of a guai lan , lao lan , xia lan kind of person .
laughs *

Lol , cheap smokes for $5 !
that's pretty cheap huh?
But , nevermind .
I was on patrol today when i noticed some pretty girls walking around .
* Laugh out loud * That's pretty random !

Today , ah jian taught me some Super duper intersting thing !
it's on the type of ice cream that's has the best taste !
Hehe , shall not leak out the company's secret =X .
Lol , the auntie here are very funny !
They filled in the resignation form with the reason " VERY UNHAPPY "
Laugh my foot out !
That's so cute =X
Sing siong is like a indoor gym .
but , the tempreture at the frozen department is kind of extreme .
it's about 10 degree below the norm tempreture outside !
oh my gawd !

FREEZING , *Shivers* >.<
HAHAS , but I'm immune to it due to the constant contact with it !
I'm a fast learner !
Not as in the unloading of item .
but the checking of goods !
I'm a natural talent .
so , cold storage and Ntuc .... BEWARE OF SING SIONG =X
THEY ARE A FORCE NOT TO RECKON WITH !

hope*



@ <$BLOGDATEHEADER$>

Merry christmas.

It's a merry christmas isn't it?
But i feel so empty
It's so unbearable.
There's a illness that i got.
That any doctors can't cure .
that's a fight i must fight on.
it's my heart problem ,
my heart is lost.
it followed someone home.

A waall is between my heart and my mind.
they are contridicting,
my heart said that i love you .
my mind told me to let go of her.

i tried to reach out my hand but she turn and walked off.
in the midst of recovering from this heart break ,
i realised that you were feeling down .
i tried to comfort you but
"it's alright , i'm alright " you said.
I could see the tears in your eyes .
i wanted to hold you in my arms , wanting to comfort you.
But in my heart i knew , you would just push me away

you , kept crying for him .
he was never there for you .
but i'm here
everytime you felt unhappy or sad
i would call to comfort you .
to comfort you throughh the nights
to the morning.

This christmas.
he's probably playing with some other girls by now ,
you knew that
but you chose to be ignorant about it .
He was the cause of the tears
i however was man who stood by your side .
could you look at me for once ?

you told me that this christmas is the worst ,
without himby yourside .
But , what about me ?
you are right beside me ,
but i can't hold you ,
i can't tell you how much i love you .
i held back my feelings .
i had felt even more miserable.

did you remeber the time that i was with you ?
the time in which i always liked to stand in the rain .
did you knew the reason for that childish act of mine ?
it's because i do not want you to see these tears ,
let it flow away with the rain .
the tears for the irony that you were mine , but your heart was not .

when ever i think of it
i would sit in one corner and be feel miserable.
and yes , i was upset.
upset of life , upset by love.

To me :
Love is a unexpected tormenter .
a torturer , a monster , a undead.
But it was a gift , a cosy blanket , a pustoy , a game , a memory.
so brittle and gentle .

but it felt onto the ground and was smashed into pieces .
i tried to glue it back.
when ever i tried to pick the pieces up , it would scar my fingers
this immerse pain never felt evenmore wonderfull .
yet in this pain i felt the bitterness of my heart.
the pain , so unbearable yet it was like heroin
so addictive.

These broken pieces , was incomplete .
Like my heart .
it was smashed into bits.
Every piece of it contained my deepest happiness.

So , i shall forsake this heart that was damaged .

when i have decided to continue my life ,
and to find a new heart ,
i've came to realised that the heart was out of stock.
so i lived on , without one

hope*



@ <$BLOGDATEHEADER$>

15 commitment to the person i want to love.

1) Hug her whenever she's feeling sad.
2) Get her whatever she wants.
3) Be there for her , Always..
no matter it's raining heavily or sunny.
4) Mature enought to take care of her.
5) play with her and make her happy.
6) Be a responsible and serious man in the family.
a true man who will protect his family at all cost.
7) Give her the perfect home.
8) Cook stuff for her.
9) Do housework for her.
10) Give her all the materialistic item for her to look cute all the time .
11) Shower her alll the love i can give.
12) Handphone is always there when she calls.
13) Never cheat on her.
14) Love her everysingle milisecond of my love.
15) Everything i do is just to make her smile.



Ten Commitment in work
1) Be there on time
2) Be serious in my work
3) Family First.
4) Girlfriend first.
5) Be a strong boss to take over father's company
6) earn the first bucket of gold in less than 28 years old.
7) Become a harsh and strong leader.
8) Become a strong person who will have no sympathy for the weak .
9) Will never lose my moral while working.
10) NO ONE SHALL EVER DECIEVE ME . NEVER , IF THEY DO , THEY'LL all die in the worst way .



Ten commitment to the family
1) Give mama and papa all they want.
2) Never abandom my family.
3) if both my parents and girl drop into the sea . Either i save them both or i shall drown myself while trying to save them.
4)Always be there for my family.
5) Be a kind and harsh father.
6) Let the father be the devil for the kids.
7) Provide money for them to spend.
8) A nice and perfect home .
9) family come first before anything else.
10) Bring them to church ever sundays.




WRITTEN IN BLOOD AND SOUL : CHUA YI DE.

hope*



@

Recently...
i've been thinking ...
Why is everyone so happy but why am i not .
First i thought that i don't deserve to be happy... but the more i think of it , the more it does'nt make sense.

Then came my friends ... why am i not as unique as them ...
but one day euegene told me that i was very unique.
have i really have no confidence in my looks ?
No.. Euegene said i am good enough.
Then why am i so insecure?
why am i so afraid of feeling alone?
Why can't i find someone to love.
Why am i still back to square one ?
What is there that i have not try enough to change?
Why am i feeling so empty ?

Then the everyone told me .. because i am me .
But the true solution came.

Edmund said that to understand how everything works ,
understand yourself.
Be selfish when you want to . be self-centre because you are you .
Don't hesitate in doing things , be yourself.
A man must have faults to be a man .

First start from understanding what you like and you don't like .

Like

1) Sadistic cartoon . example : cute things torn apart.

2) Enjoy getting immerse in doing something i like.

3) Dreaming of the perfect girl to love.

4) Getting attention ..

5) To be thinking while listening to love songs.

6) Smashing basketball against the hood.

7) music .

8) Watching fun shows .

9) Looking in the mirror .

10) Laughing .

11) Daydream in the bus

12) look at beautifull scenery .

13) sitting under the tree falling asleep.

14) The Fresh morning .

15) The mysterious night .

16) Walking in the lonely streets .

17) Talking to myself.



Dislike

1) Selfish people.

2) Self-centre people.

3) People who mistook my true intention.

4) Backstabbing acts.

5) Things i do not understand. Example : ghost. But zombies and mutants are understandable.

6) The Whatever people .

7) The KAN anoying people.

8) The CCB sacastic people .

9) Hypocrites.


History
-Born in 1992 feb 27
-Live with kor kor and jiejie untill pri 3 .
-Got abuse in a tution centre.
-Had a crush with elaine in pri 6 .
-study in edmund house for 2 years .


-Had internet when i was secondary one.
Was a quiet boy when i was secondary one.
First love when i was in secondary 2 .
-Found interest in basket ball.


-First smoke in basketball court


-Second love
-First time holding hands with a girl
-Stupid idea of holding hand with her to guide her across the road.
-Really really shy .
-got dump by a sms =.=


-Left the ah beng group when i moved house to 432
-went to church
-Wanted to fuck god after pastor ruin my life.
-Third love
-being Treaten to hurt the second love
-broke up .


Secondary 3
-moved to bukit batok
-Got back with second love on feb 27/28.
-Third love torn us apart because i was weak .
-However am not able to get over her .
-Third love tried to harass .
-Depressed and almost tried sucide with cutting wrist .
-Stopped because second love invited me to her birthday party.
-third love harass again .
-Friends spoke up .
-Got depressed again .
-second love cheered me up.
-Failed badly for exams.
-retook exams and passed it.


Secondary 4
-Hook up in music by Dong ban shin ki
-Hook up in music by super junior.
-Fell in love with second love again ... ( Urhhh... =.= )
-rejected.



-Enjoyed the company of the class mate sitting beside me .
-noticed that she's quite cute and love-able.
-Wild life with friends.
-Friend stayed in my house.
-Studied quite hard .
-Secretly wanted to confess to classmate.
-Classmate confessed to me =))
-Agreed and first date during the holiday.
-was quite shock by how she wore.
-Was really really shy when she held my hand .
-Thought that i'm not good enough for her .
-Thought that i was not good looking enough to fall in love.
-Was afraid that others might laugh at us.
-Thought of many stuff , therefore neglected her .
-Broke up.
-gave letter and i almost wanted to tear it up .
-Told her that i was thankfull to be able to fall in love again




-Met her in chalet again .
-She was the first thing that caught my eye.
-Tried to firt with her .
-Failed , LMAO .
-When her friend said something redundent .
-I tried to walk off , because i was shy .
-called a friend that i was quite fond of.
-talked to her for during the chalet.
-Enjoyed talking to her.
-fell in love with talking to her on the phone .
-Girl return home on the second day .
-Became really restless.
Came back half dead.
Some one came to the house without trying to tell.
was Pissed off.
-Got a job
-Argued with friends.
Friend cheered me up.
Edmund talk sense into me.
-Friend's girlfriend's bday.
Got critise that i look and act abit like a girl .
Pissed off.
Went home thinking how to become man-lier.
-Changed.

Currently - stronger than before.

hope*



@ <$BLOGDATEHEADER$>

I am not happy , not at all.

When was the last time my friends asked how i felt ?

i dont remeber .

Coz... i'm not happy when i'm with them .

not at all .

When you intrude into one person privacy thinking you know them enough to do that . So that's why i retaliated . and when you hurt my pride.

When you say things as if you knew me enough to judge who i am but do you know how much i took it in ? When you think of me as the worst guy around WITHOUT standing into my shoes .

When you fucking think your the king of the world while riding behind my back nodding to what you COMMANDED ME TO DO EVERYTIME YOU ASKFOR SOMETHING .
And hey , i want to know you . But i failed , because i lived with you and tell you the truth i am not a nice guy to live with if you keep demanding things fr0m me as if it's natural .

i had enough ...
i really have ...
I am crying .
My heart is crying .

do you know that i try my best to be a friend that you WANT me to be ?

but i'm tired i really am .

i had my share of pain while you think i have not.

you think that i am useless / pathetic when i am not .

you think that i'm clueless to the surroundings when i have known it , it's just how i want to react so that redundant stress is created .

i dislike the society not because of how it destroyed my confidence.

i am paranoid . thats much as i can say .

i am scared . For that's me .

i hide my feelings because i do not want anyone the hurt and in the result Life makes fun of me and Emotions let lose when i least want it to .

i am tired , thats why i wrote this post .

i don't care if you think of me as a asshole or a kid .

i don't want this to carry on ... i have did enough bad .

I cannot express my feeling well .

I am emo because something someone hurt my pride and i do not want to tell them to Fuck themselves .

I cries because i am sad.

I am gentle and open because i treat you as real friends.

I am in my laptop because i do not want to talk so much because i know it's gonna accidentally hurt someone .

I keep quiet because you said something that hurt me .

I am quiet because i refuse to irritate anyone .

I am lonely because of how surrounding treats me .

I am trying my best when no one is watching .

I hate it when all you say is a farce .

I love it when you encourage me .

I love all three of you because you are my pals .

I hate myself to say this to you because i love you so much to trouble you .

I am lost because i can't speak as freely as i could .

I am Glad because you let me into your refuge when my world was raining .


so..
Let the worst come .

hope*